Medieval Myth Buster and Busting My Dad : latest email from my brother

Yay! The next instalment for why I should feel sorry for my brother and his life is so much harder than mine. He was nearly winning me over until last week's faux pas, but at least he's man enough to admit to it. Which is more than can be said for my Dad.
All will become clear.
Hi Fay,
I’ll start with an apology this week. Sorry I didn’t know your cancer was called Ted. I don’t always read your blog but Juliette does and she told me first thing on Sunday morning that I’d screwed up. I say first thing on Sunday morning because I bang out my weekly e-mail between 10pm and midnight on our Saturday night when the kids and Juliette have gone to bed. So I sacrifice sleep time to write you an e-mail of questionable entertainment value. (I’m building up so that you feel a bit sorry for me).

Sometimes lack of sleep shows – Juliette says when I wrote the long long e-mails with too much history it really shows. So last week I had a vague inkling that you had named your cancer but was a bit too tired and a bit too lazy to double check. So I winged it. It’s not the first time I’ll screw up and it won’t be the last I’m sure, so sorry Joy. I mean Fay. Sorry Fay. ( Joy is my sister, dear reader.....Fay)

In fact the last time I felt this bad was when someone did the Wallace and Gromit two hands knuckle down fist knock to me across a crowded room and I construed it as the “Friends” TV comedy Monica and Ross Geller two hands knuckle up fist knock that meant the middle finger. If you’re confused about what the heck I’m talking about imagine the plasticine character Wallace being happy that there’s some Wensleydale cheese available and that he’s got a big oversized grin, he’s holding his two hands up like a begging puppy would and he bumps them together in excitement. That’s the Wallace and Gromit two hands knuckle down fist knock.

Know remember “Friends”? When I left the UK in 2009 it seemed that Channel Four were doing a good impression of being the official “Friends” TV channel showing back to back repeats of it. In the show brother and sister Monica and Ross Geller had invented the two hands knuckle up two fist knock to represent the middle finger so as get past their parents sanctions on rude hand gestures.

Yes, you’re probably more aware of the “Friends” gesture than the “Wallace and Gromit” one, as was I. Anyway this person did the “Wallace and Gromit” one to me and I did the “Friends” one back. They knew both the gestures. Textbook how to make enemies and alienate people.

Okay, so Juliette religiously reads your blog and she filters to me what’s what. You can blame her if you like, I just don’t have the time she does because I have two pre-schoolers to get up, feed breakfast, dress and get out of the door in morning… (she’ll f*cking kill me for writing that).

I understand there’s been some feedback on the weapons naming front. JessHackHer – axe (Just Hack Her),
Boooow – bow (as in boooo?)
icb4me – dagger (Is This A Dagger I See Before Me)
Harry – bow (Haribo)
Axel/Axelle – axe (axe in the name)
Dirk (there’s a Scottish dagger called a dirk).

I also had dad suggest to me to name one of the bows “Derek” (Bo Derek). Nothing from you though I see. What’s with that Miss Lazy Bones? Eh? Eh? Who’s feeling bad now? Oh, it’s still me.

Having lots of people to help has resulted in me asking “you” another question. In about seven months there’s another Arts and Sciences competition based on Medieval Mythbusting. In the same format as the TV show Mythbusters you can pick a medieval myth, research it and either confirm, state it’s plausible or bust a medieval myth. As an example the competition was inspired by someone finding a medieval woodcut of a mattress made by sewing pigs bladders together and pumping it up full if air. Yes, the air mattress was a medieval invention.

There are no rules other than I’ve got to give five minute presentation on my findings. I’ve just got to find a myth worth investigating. So what myths have you heard about the middle ages? I just need one that you can’t Google to find out if it’s been asked before. I was thinking about doing a presentation on castle arrow slits because it’s my theory that the majority of castle arrow slits were never designed to have an arrow shot out of them. I could of course go into my reasoning but as this would be

(a) historical
(b) long

And it would indicate that it’s late and I need to go to bed. (That hasn’t stopped me from writing a long historical reason and then deleting it from this final e-mail.)

I would like some myths though….

Love Mark

P.S. Say sorry to Ted for me.

P.P.S. Second thoughts, tell that f*cker Ted to c*ck off out of it, the bucket f*cking c*nt.


Thanks Mark for the confession that you don't read my blog. I nearly feel sorry for you. It's a hard life looking after the kids, @reluctanthousedad and @SAHDandproud would agree with you. But they still find time!!! Shame on you!

And I've spoken to dear Old Dad .......Bo Derek was my idea. I just hadn't gotten around to putting a comment in. So tardy I may be, not lazy!

But you are my little brother, the chap who I remember showing me and Joy a new super dooper karate move. I think you were meant to look cool with a high double kick and land lightly on your back foot. However somewhere along the line your brain didn't get round to telling your leg to get back into position and you landed flat on your bum with a mahoosive thud. Me and Joy laughed....a lot. So I owe you.

I'll get my thinking cap on, promise, but in case I luck out (likely) can you dear reader help?

Do you know of any medieval myths you wish to have busted? Please leave a comment, it keeps me amused and more importantly, gets my little brother off my back!

And as always Mark......

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