Maybe Tomorrow....

I'm not myself at the moment. I can't seem to stop crying and feeling sorry for myself. This isn't me. I am the person who copes and gets on with things. I'm the person who deals with it. And I don't like it.

Everyone I have spoken has said its okay to feel like this, totally understandable, however I am finding that difficult to accept.

I seem to be fixated on the operation date, for me its the next stage in the process (and I love a good process) And yes, I am a control freak (or I like to say a typical Virgo!), I know that!! However I also know I can't control everything. 

I've spoken about the Serenity Prayer before 
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

I understand what I can influence and what I can't and let the other stuff wash over me (I think I would be basket case otherwise) 

There are a lot of things I can't control in this situation, I've worked through things and realised I can't influence when a date is scheduled. I will trust the medical profession are working on this and won't make me wait unnecessarily.

But I am still emotional, why do I keep on feeling like this?

The one thing I can control is me and how I deal with things. Crying and the 'why me's' are normal and have a place. However long term, for me, its a waste of energy. Shit happens it's how you deal with it which makes a difference and this is what makes me, well me. I deal with things well. But at the moment, I'm not me.

I feel Guilt, with a big fat capital G.

Guilty for not being able to concentrate at work and letting people down there. Guilty for not feeling able to function properly at home and look after MrC. Guilty for being ill and putting my friends and family through this. But today I realised I actual feel Guilty for not coping. Why can't I be the strong person I am normally, the person who gets on with things. Shit happens, its how you deal with it which makes a difference.

And that fact is, I'm not dealing with it, I'm not even coping! I'm not in control of my emotions, they are very much in control of me.They are swirling around and intruding on my life, I don't like it. I'm not functioning very well.

And it's this, which is the problem; not the fact I have a tumour, not the fact its probably cancer. It's the realisation, the dawning that I'm not in control of myself and my emotions.

So in the spirit of shit happens, its how you deal with it which makes a difference, I need to accept, lose the Guilt guilt, open up to things, go with how I feel. And maybe tomorrow I will feel better, there is always tomorrow to look forward to.

Wish me luck! Oh, and have some man sized tissues to hand at all times.

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you at this difficult time and sending you positivity by the bucket load :D