I don't like the dark, but I do like light at the end of the tunnel

I get some important scan results at the hospital tomorrow. They'll tell me if I've any other little Ted's hiding away. All weekend I've been thinking about it. I've come to some conclusions, stuff I know about myself. I like lists, so I wrote one

• I like planning things, to have something to look forward to, which don't include a hospital visit or operation.
• I like organising events and people.
• I don't like planning things and having back ups in case 'I'm not upto it or appointments will get scheduled'
• I like absolutes, I like to know the process, what's going to happen next. I like being informed, the energy of being in the know. Not the bleak and windy wasteland of ignorance.
• I like to know where I am and what is expected of me, not lets see what happens
• I like to control myself, not events control me. I especially don't like emotions for the same reason!
• I enjoy being self sufficient and strong.
• I dislike relying on other people.
• I enjoy feeling successful in who I am and what I do.
• I don't like feeling guilty for putting family and friends through this too. If I could manage alone I would.
• I enjoy order, but feel the last few months have been chaos. A chaotic mass of emotions, events, appointments, pain.
• I like goals and achievements, things to aim for.
• I don't like the dark but I do like light at the end of the tunnel

I can see that light, I'm imagining getting back to work soon. And I need a goal, something to aim for, something to focus on and get me fighting fit.

I did have plans for this year, things I was going to do. 2012 was the year I was going to reach my goal weight amongst other things. Over the weekend though, while I wrote my list I resolved to put back into my calendar an event I'd talked about back then. I'd decided to take part in the 30 miles St Luke's Hospice Midnight Walk. I completed 13 miles last year as part of my recovery, enjoyed the challenge and wanted to up the stakes.

However as much as I like a challenge, 30 miles is a bridge too far (plus MrC put his foot down) I even think 13 miles will be too much, as I'm still struggling with two! But I've registered for the 7 mile route, on the 21st of July.

I'm sure I'm going to be told good news at my appointment but even if it's not what I want to hear, I now have a goal, something to look forward to, a way to improve fitness and lift my soul, to raise money for a worthwhile cause.

My blog header has the following, it's tag line

Tackle each challenge with a strength of purpose and an expectation to succeed.

Please click My Just Giving Page and help me take those steps (literally) to bring me out of the tunnel and back into the light and put some order to things! There's nothing like money to motivate!