RCS Syndrome

It's Thursday and how do I feel? I don't think tired is a descriptive enough word to convey how I feel. My arms just typing this feel like lead weights, it's like my batteries have been almost discharged and I'm running out of energy. I'm like the bunny with the wrong make of battery. But I will improve!

Came out of hospital Monday (was planned for on Sunday) as I'd a little crisis at home. MrC was taken ill and couldn't look after me. I experienced a whole raft of emotions. I was angry at him for not being able to cope for a few days, upset and guilty that I was angry at him, guilty more so because it was probably all the stress of me being hospital, which was making him ill, pissed off at the cancer for disrupting everyone's lives, pissed off with myself for being pissed off and upset....you get the picture.

Had a good cry, a great chat with my nurse (who was amazing) and another night was arranged which took the pressure off everyone. I'm grateful MrC was sensible enough to admit he couldn't cope, before things got messy! It's made me realised he's more poorly than he's actually letting on! (he's still poorly, but getting there)

I was discharged Monday and went back to Mum and Dad's, where I still am.

Aren't parents amazing? I'm so lucky for a start they are able to look after me, but they are just so calm and pragmatic about everything, and take things in their stride. (especially Mum) Their walk-in shower is a godsend! Mum even dried my hair for me (MrC would've tried but.......you know what I'm saying) Plus Dad is an amazing cook!

I've been treated to amongst other things, steak with white bean mash (it's the future!), warm pear and walnut salad, homemade macaroni cheese (comfort food) and runny scrambled eggs which always remind me of being off school when I had some teeth out and he looked after me.

I'm taking things very gently and easy. Had a walk earlier today, managed about 50 metre's! I'm finding it hard though as I keep comparing my progress with my big operation last year. I just seemed to improve quicker then. Or maybe I'm suffering from RCSS, otherwise known as rose coloured spectacles syndrome.

Was talking with @IanBoylett on Twitter who was diagnosed with kidney cancer and had a nephrectomy last year, picking his brains. Ian has put my mind at rest. He said:

' I thought keyhole surgery was a couple of days in hospital and a couple of weeks off work so was fed up v early on lol '

He was out of action for six weeks. I was also under the impression keyhole was quicker and easier. My experience at the moment doesn't support that impression!

I'm out of sorts mentally with everything and I keep questioning myself. Am I trying hard enough to get better or am I malingering? Because I've not felt myself, acting out of character, I keep second guessing and comparing with last time.

But I've got to stop!

Last time was just that, last time. Things are different, changed. You can only compare like with like. They are different operations, under different circumstances. I will feel better soon.

The staples (may get a photo beforehand!) come out tomorrow and the plan is to go back home when my daughter comes down from London for a few days. She's amazing too and with my son's help (who has been keeping an eye on his Dad) I will be fine, back home and sleeping in my own bed!

It can't happen too soon. I will miss my Dad's cooking but not as much as I'm already missing this handsome chap!

And I must remember, it's only been 8 days!



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