I had to visit the oncology department today and I'm pissed off and angry that I've been told to stop taking the trial drug for a while.
'A little break from the drug' they've said. 'A chance for your body to recuperate and recharge' they've said. 'Two weeks off and we'll review it when you come back for your CT scan results. You can have upto 3 weeks off at a time if needed, it's not a problem' they've said.
It all makes sense. My sore feet are very very bad apparently (I've gotten used to them) The dodgy tummy and constant diarrhea is a classic symptom of toxicity, but again something I've accepted and made a joke of.
But I still feel like I've failed.
My plan, my big scheme, my coping mechanism with all of this cancer crap, was to try my very best. To give the drugs trial my best shot and stay on it for as long as I could. To give myself the best chance of making it work. For me not to get a recurrence, for it not to come back. For me to help others in a similar situation by taking part, no matter how hard it was going to be. For there being something worthwhile and meaningful from getting and then fighting cancer. By taking part in the trial and maybe in the future, people, having this drug as a regular and normal therapy. You know, just to make a difference.
So being told I need a break from it feels like I've failed. It feels like my body has let me down. Again.
I'm coping mentally. I'm back at work and functioning well. My brain hasn't let me down. My sense of humour is still there. My go ahead attitude to it all is still intact and raring to go. Throw anything at me, you horrible nasty disease, I'm ready for you. My smile, which gets me through most things, is still there.
It's just my body which isn't coping. It's causing me to get infection after infection. Pain. Losing my hair.
It's let me down.
It's like Me, you know, the bit which makes me, Me, is striding confidently along to reach the destination with determination and a 'can do' attitude. And my body, the muscles, tendons, bones, heart, lungs, fingers and toes are cowering in a corner, whimpering saying 'leave me alone, I feel crap and you can't make me go with you'
But I suppose I'm thankful that the bits I have a conscious control over are co-operating and staying strong and positive.
The bits that are breaking down, I have no control over. I can't force my stomach by sheer willpower to stop developing a stomach ulcer. Or order my fingers and toes to stop suffering from nerve damage.
I know it's daft that I feel I'm letting myself down. I'm just thankful my will power is still intact and willing and able to fight on. Albeit when my pathetic body has had a little rest!
So although I'm angry about it, I am grateful for the small things. I'm still Me.