I can't believe its another sleepless night. Technically is it a sleepless night if its only 1am? Has enough of the night elapsed for me to pronounce I'm having a sleepless night? I've been in bed since 10.30pm trying to go to sleep, so I suppose so.
That's three and half hours of doing stuff other than sleeping (and not what you are thinking either) I caught up on twitter, read for a bit, back to Twitter, then resorted to counting sheep. Didn't work, so tea and biscuits it is.
Ironically what keeps rattling around in my brain is the fact I've committed to going to the gym tomorrow ... umm actually that's today and think I'm going to be too tired. I need to get the house tidied and cleaned in the morning and that will knacker me out. No-one else will do it (MrC is ill and James is off to Bristol for the weekend) so it's either live with the dog hair rolling around on the laminate floor like the tumble weeds you see on Road Runner cartoons or do it myself.
Plus parking at the gym will be a nightmare so walking there would be a better option. But again as I'm still building up my strength I will be knackered by the time I get there and not be able to do an actual workout. Not that I'm planning to do very much. I've arranged a one to one session with the trainer to put a programme together which will match my level of fitness (very low post kidney removal and kicking #tedthetumour out) and build up my stamina.
Altogether I'm starting to talk myself out of this going to gym malarky. Maybe its too early after surgery. I was given the all clear to go, but what if I'm not actually ready? I dunno, shall I give it a miss?
Let's be honest, come on Fay, be honest to yourself. The gym isn't what is bothering you. It's The Cancer which is at the root of this sleeplessness.The more time goes on the deeper my thoughts go, no sooner have I parked one (to deal with later) another pops up.
I'm scared. Why am I not dealing with stress very well? What's going to happen next?
How will my family cope if I get worse? How will we cope with no money if I can't work?
Where has my life been going? What makes me happy?
What is the point of things?
What's the rest of my life going to be like? What am I going to actually do with the rest of my life?
How will this change me?
The list is endless and I don't have the answers. I don't think anyone really does.
I'm hoping by writing them down I can properly park them, I don't need the answer's straight away and to be fair I may never get them all sorted. Even if I did, would it make a difference? Things change, my outlook will as I go through this section of my life. How I answer a question now may be different to how I answer it in six months time, six weeks or even six hours.
I will change
I just need to make sure those changes are for the better, that I learn and grow.
"The only difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude." ~Dennis S. Brown
I better get my arse back to bed. I've still got a house to clean in the morning and gym session to go to. No point sweating the little things, it will all work out in the end
