Anticipation

an·tic·i·pa·tion   
[an-tis-uh-pey-shuhn]
–noun
1. the act of anticipating or the state of being anticipated.
2. realization in advance; foretaste.
3. expectation or hope.

You know the feeling, the looking forward to something, a special event. The tingle of excitement when planning a birthday party. Your mouth watering when lovely sweet treats waiting at home are remembered. The big grin on your face when you think about what will be happening later, and remembering how you felt last time or for the first time wondering how it will be. The warm glow when you close your eyes and see the event unfolding.

But for all the good things there are the reverse. Not looking forward to a filling at the dentist as it's going to be unpleasant. Or an exam or test, the not sleeping as you think about it, the terror and shame of not doing well. Your stomach churning every time the task ahead pops unbidden into your head, invading you, feeling ill, nauseous and on edge.

And that is where I am, in a state of anticipation, wondering when I will get that call, what impact it will have for me and my family, how will I actually react, will it be the news I want to hear, how will I cope if its not.

It's not a good feeling, it's not a great place to be but as the definition at the top of the post says, I've also got hope.