Not been the best of week's in our family. The news came through that Joy's cancer has progressed to stage 4. Sometimes a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing and I've been struggling with the news.
I know I'm guilty of overthinking, so I've been trying to keep busy and engineer things so I'm not alone. But my poor dog has felt the brunt, as I was reluctant to take him out for a walk, my best (or worse) time for thinking through problems.
Finally bit the bullet and took the poor canine out, determined to not cry, determined to just enjoy the moment. The sun was out, the dog was making me smile with his enthusiasm for being out and sniffing everything in sight.
I stayed close to home and giving him chance to sniff meant a slow walk, giving me time to enjoy my neighbours gardens. Flowers are blooming, trees have new young leaves and lush green lawns.
I passed several lawns, some beautifully tended and others a little more ragged. When I looked closely, the grass was a little too long, full of dandelions, daisies and buttercups. I remember telling the time blowing the seeds as a child, running after the fairies with my sister. Making daisy chains and arguing over whose was the best and seeing who liked butter by putting the buttercup under her chin to see the reflected sunlight, glowing yellow.
The ragged lawns, edging some gardens, technically were full of weeds. Which to some are an eyesore and nuisance. But taking a step back, I stopped focusing on the individual weed to look at the whole picture; the green grass, peppered with yellow and white flowers and fairies slowly moving in the breeze, was beautiful.
And it hit me. I need to stop focusing on the bad news and look at the bigger picture and just enjoy the landscape as a whole, live in the now and make lots of memories to look back on.
If anyone would like to help Joy a little through this, please take a look at this post
Today I am job hunting. And tidying my desk. I thought I would just put that out there. It's not to say I haven't been looking for the last 2 months, it's just today I'm having to be more formal about it.
I signed on last week for (I think) contribution based job seekers allowance which now means all of my job hunting efforts will be scrutinised. I say, I think because I was totally lost about what I actually applied for because it seemed to have changed between me making the initial claim online and the interview.
I'm just going with the flow.
To be honest the whole thing is a bit scary. Walking into the job centre was scary. Figuring out all the forms, was scary. I've never needed to do this before, so it was all totally new. And scary. And the thought of proving to someone what I have done, how I have done, what I'm planning on doing and so on, does seem intrusive.
However, when I thought about it, this is no different to actually working. I try and schedule time every day to dedicate time to looking for and applying, so I'm treating it like a part-time job. Reporting in at the job centre, is just like having a meeting with my manager to look at my progress and see what I can do to improve. Well, that's how I'm handling it. Their job is to get me back into work, I'll accept all the help I can!
So today, I'm dedicating some time to sort the untidy desk out, just like I would do if I was at work. Hopefully when I have my next 'performance review' I'll have all the paperwork to hand.
I'm aiming for three applications today, with fully bespoke CV's and covering letters. May not seem like a lot, but if you're going to get it right first time, it takes time to perfect.
And you've got to have targets, this is my new part-time job after all
This is sooo good, it doesn't last long in my house because I keep eating it! Easier than you think and should keep for three or four days in the fridge, plus its Syn free on Slimming World
Ingredients
500g of thinly sliced red onions
100ml balsamic vinegar
150ml apple cider vinegar
2 tablespoons of sweetner
2 cloves of crushed garlic
2 tablespoons of chopped thyme
Salt and pepper to taste
Method
Put all the ingredients into a large, heavy bottomed pan. Bring it up to the boil and then simmer, covered for an hour. Give it an occasional stir to make sure it doesn't burn. Remove the lid for the last 10 minutes or so, to thicken up the lovely sticky sweet syrup. Once cooled, season to taste.
I've had this with burgers, lovely and tangy in a salad, goes well with chicken and beef on the side of your plate, or stirred through plain rice or couscous to liven it up.
Go on give it a go!
This is a delicious, melt in the mouth and incredibly easy to make recipe to boot. Was inspired by the Coleman's Slow Cooker sachet, but objected to the Syns. So created my own version.
You literally chuck all the ingredients into the slow cooker and cook on high for 4 hours or low for eight hours. Creates its own sauce or gravy from the juices, serves 4 and is Syn free on extra easy
Ingredients
400g of casserole beef with all visible fat removed and cut into cubes
2 large red onions, cut into wedges
3 red peppers, cut into slices
Tin of chopped tomatoes
2 tablespoons of tomato puree
2 cloves of garlic
2 beef Oxo cubes (or equivalent)
2 tablespoons of mixed herbs
Salt and pepper to season
As I said, chuck it all in, stir and leave for as long as you. I had this with steamed greens and new potatoes, but it's very versatile. Try it with spicy couscous. Or baked or mashed potato with plenty of superfree veggies.
Hello Ann
I found this while tidying up last week, a photocopy of a poem written by a man called Fred Nolan for his family for when he died. I can't remember how I came across it originally, but thought immediately of you.
To my dearest family
Some things I'd like to say
But first of all to let you know that I arrived okay
I'm writing this from heaven: Here I dwell with God above
Here there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love
Please don't be unhappy just because I'm out of sight
Remember that I am with your every morning, noon and night.
That day when I had to leave you: when my life on earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me and He said: 'I welcome you
It's good to have you back again. You were missed while you were gone
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on'
God gave me a list of things that He wished for me to do
And foremost on that list was to watch and care for you
And when you lie in bed at night the day's chores put to flight
God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night
When you think of my life on earth and those loving years
Because you are only human they are bound to bring your tears
But do not be afraid to cry. It does relieve the pain
Remember: there would be no flowers unless there was some rain
I with that I could tell you all that God has planned
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand
But one thing is for certain though my life on earth is o'er
I'm closer to you now than I ever was before
There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like for you to do to:
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you
If you can help somebody who is in sorrow and pain
Then you can say to God at night: 'my day was not in vain'.
And now I am contended that my life was worthwhile
And as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile
So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low
Just lend a hand and pick them up as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street and you've got me on your mind
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind
And when it's time for you to go; from that body to be free
Remember you're not going; you're coming home to me
