Email from my brother: I’m thinking that perhaps I was adopted?


Hi Fay,

So I read that your hair is really thinning now so I’ll not be taking the piss again this week. To be honest I was worried that I was being a bit too cheeky last time. Thankfully you're family so you're stuck with me. Rock on!

Now I’ve got a far darker subject to cover. You see today I hired a trailer and went around to the in-laws house in Ohaupo to puck a load of logs from some trees they’d had cut down. I found Maurice in the road and the fencing around the driveway culvert in the right mess, like something had smashed through it at two hundred miles per hour. And someone had. Apparently at half eleven the night before two boy racers had been racing along their road and one of them had lost control for a moment, come off the road and hit their culvert. To give you an idea of what this culvert is it’s basically a ten foot wide driveway over a six foot deep ditch held in place with planking, tree trunk fence posts and substantial fencing along the sides. The black Mercedes owned by this twenty three year old in question hit it, spun into the ditch and burst into flame. Everyone living in along the road thought a plane must have crashed as there was a massive thump and when they got outside the flames were shooting up into the trees.

Some folks got down into the ditch and started chucking buckets of water over the car thinking the driver was still inside. Luckily for him he wasn’t as he hadn’t been wearing a seatbelt. He’d been thrown through the shattered windscreen on impact, travelled forty meters and ended up on the other side of the road in a bush. No one could find him in the dark for half an hour though so when he finally got taken into hospital he had hyperthermia to add to the broken spine, ribs, pelvis and head injuries. He’s still in critical condition. There’s a report about it here…

So when I got to the crash spot and heard a first hand account from Maurice we started looking over the crash scene with all these busted CDs and bits of his car all over the place (the car had been taken away only minutes before) and I thought “I’ll have to tell Fay about this … but how can this be a subject for humour? It’s such a tragedy.

And then I thought that if I’d crashed there’s be an S-Club 7 CD on the floor and if I’d died I’d have to come back from the afterlife as a ghost to explain why. We used to have a Nelly Furtado CD in the car (it magically travelled with us from the UK) and we used to play it because Eva liked to sing along to the songs. However the song called “Hey, Man” has the chorus “There's a shadow in the sky, and it looks like rain, oh oh, and shit is gonna fly, once again.” and Eva just loved to sing this. Now hearing a five year old sing “shit is gonna fly” is of course hilarious. But irresponsible. So we got a nice safe S-Club 7 CD for her to listen to. AND THAT’S WHY IT’S IN MY CAR, OKAY!?

But are S-Club any better than Nelly singing “shit is going to fly”? Take “S-Club Party”. In it there are the lyrics … “Tina's doing her dance, Jon's looking for romance, Paul's getting down on the floor, While Hannah's screaming out for more (ooh hoo!), Wanna see Bradley swing, Wanna see Rachel do her thing, Then we got Jo, she's got the flow, Get ready everybody 'cos here we go!”

Tina's doing her dance”, what sort of dance? Pole dance? “Jon's looking for romance”, what with Jon, roofies? “Paul's getting down on the floor”, getting down with what Paul, getting down with what? “While Hannah's screaming out for more (ooh hoo!)”, no comment. “Wanna see Bradley swing”, no. “Wanna see Rachel do her thing”, dear God, not with the ping pong balls again … “Then we got Jo, she's got the flow, Get ready everybody 'cos here we go!”, I don’t want to hear about anybody’s menstrual cycle thank you very much.

So then we went along the tree line on Maurice’s property and I spotted the drivers watch in the mulch. I big chunky arsed gold watch. Bling! This was on the other side of the road from where he ended up and was still giving good time. Totally macabre right? The thing is I’m thinking “Wow, I really need a watch. That’s a really nice watch….hmmmmm….” So I say to Maurice about the watch and should we pick it up and give it to the police. He says that the whole area is a crime scene so he starts kicking mulch over it. I’m thinking “Good plan, we’ll dig it up later. It’s gold, it won’t rust.” and then he says that he doesn’t anyone else finding it until the police can log it. So I’m thinking of getting a new Casio.

When something like this happens it does make you think about what risks you take. For example I drove away with a trailer full of logs and realised I was driving while eating a roll full of tuna mayonnaise. I mean really, I made that tuna mayonnaise three days before, who knew what sort of bacteria was in there. I threw it out of a window where it bounced off a cyclist, so you know, crisis averted.

I wish I could give your advice on hair loss but unfortunately despite being forty, the grandson of two bald guys and the son of a bald guy, I’ve weirdly still got a full head of hair.

I’m thinking that perhaps I was adopted?

Love Mark xxxx


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