Time has been an issue for me. At the beginning of this process I complained about how long I needed to wait and now I can't believe the operation to remove my right kidney (where #tedthetumour currently resides) and I hope my troublesome gallbladder, is actually happening.
The last four weeks have been very hard for me to cope with, because basically I haven't. And that in itself has been hard to deal with. My ability to cope with whatever life has thrown my way was something I've been proud of. I've spent a lot of time looking for the answer to why I couldn't just get on with things.
I hated the person I'd become. A person who cried at the drop of the hat and it didn't matter where. ( Luckily they know me well in Tesco ) A person who couldn't concentrate on a task. A person who flipped out as soon as the stress level rose by a milimeter. I just couldn't understand why I was reacting like this.
I've spent a lot of time trying to work out what was different this time round, to find the answers and to find me again.
I've spoken to people, a lot of people. People who know me well, people who only know me as @FayC and an avatar pic, people who have professions and experience in helping people like me (lets face it, I've talked to anyone who'd listen and maybe some who didn't want to!) and they've all said the same. 'Its normal to feel and act like this'
A someone who was shouting from the rooftop, woe is me?? Really??
It wasn't until someone I love very much described me as a lab rat, scrabbling around a maze trying to find the way out (an apt if not very flattering description!) that I realised the damage I was doing to myself and those around me.
Just because I was being told its okay to cry and get upset, be self absorbed and question 'why me?' it didn't make it right.
So my answer?
Stop looking and just accept.
Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.
So it's with this new found wisdom that finds me due at Derriford Hospital for the usual pre-op stuff to get through (which includes the donning of the sexy stockings) and hospital gowns which don't actually close so your neighbours get a flash of your bum everytime you move.
another thing to accept!!!!