It's been one hell of a week. I got a call from the consultants secretary inviting me to an appointment on the 27th, over a week away. Nothing to worry about she said, Mr S just wanted to see me.
I was so scared though, I'd an agreement that he would only call if further treatment options needed to be discussed. So when I got the call it meant bad news.
I'd stayed so positive and realistic. Ok so I'll admit the practical side of me had had a conversation with my hairdresser and arranged for her to cut it all off if I started to lose it! I'd even started to pick out lovely scarves to wear (my mum had loads!) But when I got that phone call, it was a real blow, I never really thought it would get to that stage.
Imagining the worst case scenario and thinking 'could I deal with that?' Or ' with a bit of planning or forethought, could I make it easier?' was what had enabled me to smile (function even some days) and to laugh and joke because I had imagined the worst and we'd get through it, one way of another. But I had still deep down thought everything would be fine.
Me and Mr C had a hug and a little cry and then I got on with things. Nothing I could do straight away would change things, so life goes on. I'd just have to wait for the inevitable news. However I hadn't banked on Mr C. He badgered, called and e-mailed until we got a telephone call from Mr S. He said 'it wasn't fair to be left waiting for so long to be told, could he ring us and give us the news', so at least we knew for sure.
And how grateful I am to him, because the news was great. The cancer was contained, all tests indicated no further treatment needed. Mr S was calling me in just to talk about HRT. He had forgotten our agreement! It was a short call, I'd heard what I needed.
And as soon as I put the phone down, the flood gates opened. Mr C knew from my face it was good news. I cried and cried. I walked around the house (well more of a shuffle, I've not long had major surgery!) with tears falling down my face. The last few weeks of putting a brave face on for everyone, but more importantly for me, came crashing to a brilliant end. The emotional release was relentless but needed to be done. I could stop thinking about being ill and how it would affect those around me. I could stop being practical and imagine how it would be for my family if I weren't here anymore and what I could do, while I could, to make things a little easier to cope with.
Which is why I've been a little quiet on the Twitter and Facebook front, I've needed the time to unload and unwind, time to unthink those lists and practicalities, time to imagine what and forget what could have been, to leave me free to envisage my brilliant, bright and shiny future
And to get on with planning my recovery, new lists and goals to make. I've got this surgery to recover from, 4 stones to lose and a 13 mile sponsored walk to train for. I've got no more time for tears, there's too much to do and loads to look forward to!
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