Today I weighed in and cried in group (sorry everyone who witnessed my mini meltdown) I don't know what came over me, I can normally see the brighter side of life, the bigger picture and all those other cliches. But I was tipped over putting on 1.5 pounds.
But I wasn't really upset about that. It wasn't a shock, I've been teetering on the edge for a while now. I'd weighed myself when I got up, so knew it wasn't going to be pretty. Plus the carton of magnum ice cream I'd eaten Friday night, or the jam sandwiches I craved and then caved into on Saturday ( you getting the picture?) won't have helped.
The simple fact is, I comfort eat. When things go wrong, when I want to cheer myself up, when I want to give myself a little food cuddle, chocolate (or cakes or biscuits) are always there as a pick me up. But I'm also usually disciplined enough to plan these little treats. The yumminess as the chocolate melts in my mouth and covers my tongue in velvety sweetness. The comforting repetitive action (always a whole packet!) of dunking biscuits into a piping hot cup of tea, which never fails to take me back to visits with my Nan who owned a bottomless biscuit barrel
But at the moment my grasp on that discipline is slipping.
I can cope with the sore feet, the crushing fatigue. I ignore the hair loss, (I understand from my daughter people pay a lot of money at beauty salons waxing to lose hair there, which i get for free!) I push to the back of mind that cancer might come back and remind myself I'm on the drug trial to give myself the best chance of that, and help others in the future at the same time. It's hard, but I put on the scarf, plaster on the eye make-up and walk with a positive attitude every morning.
Sometimes though its not enough.
And something breaks
This week it was my resolve. My self discipline. And my positivity.
However in group today, they made me see that all of it, is ok. So what if I want a cake, everyone feels like that sometimes. So what if I've put on this week, I still weighed-in. So what? It's no big deal in the grand scheme of things. I'm still here, not just in group, planning my meals, going to work, doing things.
I'm here, full stop.
The title of this post was on Tracey's t-shirt today. It's so true. Sometimes even rain can look beautiful.
Ps. I've just ordered takeaway!