Control

I've found something very hard to deal with recently, and that is control.

Life for me is all about choices. You wake up in the morning, and you decide if it's going to be a good day or not. It's all about your attitude. An e-mail hits your inbox, you can choose to take it as a critisism, or as feedback. There are hundreds of interactions through-out the day and we choose how to react to them. For me its having that bit of control over what happens to me, and how it makes me a feel.

From the moment I was told I needed a hysterectomy, I felt my freedom of choice and that control seeping away, being taken away from me.

I wanted to keep my ovaries, but they are going, as they could be cancerous. I wanted the operation to be keyhole procedure to speed up the recovery time, but it isn't possible as he needs to be sure everthing is taken away to minimise the risk of the cancer moving elsewhere. The operation means I will need to take hormone replacement therapy for a while. I don't want to take tablets (or patches) everyday. I will have no choice and very little control but to endure the recovery time and watch my family and friends having to look after me.

Things were looking so black to me, until I spoke to Mr C.

He said 'you've already made an important choice and taken control by deciding you want to live. The other things are inconsequential'

And you know what (and this doesn't happen very often) but he was right. I was looking too much into the details and not looking at the bigger picture.

I've chosen to have a hysterectomy, so I can beat this. I have control over the way I deal with things which are going to happen to me. So I may not have a choice over the actually actions, but I have control over how I react to them.

So, yes I am having a full hysterectomy, because that is the safest option to ensure the cancer is all taken away. I am choosing to look at my recovery as a time when I can catch up on my reading, finish the bedspread I'm crocheting and teach myself to make lace.

And I won't see myself as a burden to my family, but as my God given right to be pampered for a while to make up for all the years I've looked after them!