Don't look something up in the middle of the night

Fatal mistake!

Am in a hotel alone, reading my book, and my mind wanders. I start to think about what my consultant said when he told me I had cancer and needed a hysterectomy.

Now, although I may have thought I was with it and asked all the questions I needed to know, the nearer I get to operation date, the more I actually have and realise I didn't ask! All of which isn't helped by the hospital rebooking an x-ray I was told before I didn't need. My racing mind is asking why do I need it?

Something I have never done

This is a novelty for me, I'm sat in a hotel lounge after finishing dinner, with my iPad writing this blog. So which bit is the novelty?

All of it! I've not stayed away for work for so long I'd forgotten the joys of mini soaps and tiny one cup kettles. When I'm away I rarely sit in the bar by myself and I've never used my iPad outside of the office, public transport or my house.

I decided to do something different and not sit in my hotel room, but eavesdrop and use the technology the way it was intended, portabley (or have I made that word up!?)

A cunning plan

I had a plan for 2011

And that doesn't happen very often!

In my job I need to be organised and at home I am sure the loved ones I live would say I am bordering on the controlling! (What can I say, it’s the J in me from my MBTi profile) However I rarely have a long term goal of what I want to have achieved in say three years time (I don't even plan things for six months in the future!)

So, I was as surprised as the next person, when I actually planned and put into place some initiatives for 2011. I was unhappy in certain aspects of my life, personal and work, and decided to do something about it rather than complaining and dwelling.

Control

I've found something very hard to deal with recently, and that is control.

Life for me is all about choices. You wake up in the morning, and you decide if it's going to be a good day or not. It's all about your attitude. An e-mail hits your inbox, you can choose to take it as a critisism, or as feedback. There are hundreds of interactions through-out the day and we choose how to react to them. For me its having that bit of control over what happens to me, and how it makes me a feel.

What to say?

Was chatting to a work colleage and friend on Twitter last night and he apologised for not speaking to me earlier about my health problems. He said he just didn't know what to say.

I know I've been in similiar situations and not known how to respond. Everything you can think of seems so inadequate. What I can say now though, having been on the receiving end, is it doesn't feel like that. Everyone I have spoken to have had something wonderful and inspiring to say. Which is why I haven't hidden it and have actively engaged people in conversation. I want it out in the open, I need it, I need to talk about it because hidden away it starts to take over.

My Twitter friend went on to type, using the full force of his 140 characters

'You'll kick it right in it's arse. You're one of the strongest people I know'

He may have thought he didn't know what to say, but his response was eloquent, powerful and lasting to me

Thank you Chris

Starting the countdown....

So 'operation date' is creeping ever nearer. Its set for Tuesday 5th of April, which means I can have Mother's Day and be pampered, and actually enjoy it!! (We've been invited to my Mum & Dad's for dinner.

My 90 year old Nan is staying with them for a holiday, so it will be a lovely day)

I've been thinking about how events have progressed and can't quite believe that is was only 10 days ago when my consultant told me the news. It feels like forever.

In that time I've:-

So the story so far......

Over Christmas I had a period from hell, it lasted nearly a month and this was the straw that broke MrC's proverbial back. He nagged me until I made an appointment to see our GP

Once there, very embarrassed I explained my systems and she recommended a referrel to a gynaecologist. She said they would probably fit something called a Mirena Coil.

I have private health care insurance so organised to see MrS who was lovely. He did offer the Mirena Coil but also another option which appealed to me as it meant I wouldn't be taking hormones. It's a procedure called Novasure I could have it under a general anaesthetic, an overnight stay and hopefully no more periods.

All booked in, and it went really well. After the op MrS came to see me and said he hadn't seen anything unusual, so to book an appointment to see him in three months. I went home and did as I was told and rested before going back to work the following week. However just 7 days after the procedure I was called back in because 'something had come back from the histology report'.

Girly Diary

I've always wanted to keep a diary. I wasn't one of those teenage girls who pored all their girly secrets out into their Dear Diary. I tried, but never kept it up. When I was in my twenties and tried again, I thought I would be good way to get all my feelings out of the way. But family life got in the way, I was always tired and there was never enough time. I even, for my 40th birthday, tried again! My mum bought me a lovely notebook with a matching pen....I lasted 3 weeks before it fell by the wayside, again. (Sorry Mum)

So what has changed this time? Well this time, I've got something to write about, something to focus on, something to maybe share. (and I'm trying a different medium!)

I was diagnosed with cancer of the uterus on Thursday 17th of March at 2pm