Email from my brother: He's got a new butt everyone!

I've gotten a bit behind with posting my brother's emails so you lucky people get two instalments this week


Enjoy! 

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Hi Fay,

How’s it going?  I understand from your blog that you’re getting some side effects from all the drugs and stuff you’re taking.  It sounds like your living the actual diabolical plan that the Joker hatched in the original eighties Batman film.  That can’t be nice so hang in there.  I’ve just read that you spent some time up in London too so that must have been nice also.  I was thinking of driving Sam over to the next town (Te Awamutu) because there’s a vets that has a fiberglass lizard snaking around the side of the building.  You see, in New Zealand the pace of life is so slow that a novelty fiberglass lizard is worth driving twenty five minutes to go and have a look at.

Nothing much has happened here this week except that I’ve got a brand new butt.  You’ll remember that the alpacas ate the shit out of my old butt and the rain washed what was left away until all that was left was a soggy brown mess on the floor. Of course I’m talking all about my archery butt, my real butt is the same size it’s always been and never, ever leaves a brown mess on the floor.  Naturally my real butt sometimes leaves a brown mess [SENTENCE REDACTED BY THE TASTE POLICE] but doesn’t everyone’s now and again?

The new butt comes courtesy of us having the car park paddock graveled and a little road built up to the house for when we want to unload the shopping.  You remember the opening credits for Dallas where they show you Southfork Ranch?  It’s like that but on 1:35 scale.  Tons of top soil came up and it’s from this that I got them to build me a brand new archery butt.  I basically talked them through the history of the longbow, what sort of poundage the bow  I’m using, the types of arrow heads I’m using, the depths my arrows will punch through and they basically said “f*ck that” and dumped a load of soil at the end of the field.

My butt is massive now and I’ve just got to re-seed the mound with grass before the chickens eat them all up and I’ll have a permanent backstop to shoot at.  The grass seed is coloured blue and claims to have anit-bird eating properties but our chickens are currently tucking in like it’s an all you can eat buffet (which it is).  Whether I get time to shoot is also another thing.  It’s been nearly a year we’ve been here now and the evenings will start getting lighter as we go into Spring.  Soon I’ll be able to take a beer out there and shoot a few arrows before coming in to the loving smiles of Juliette who totally does not mind me doing archery and loves the fact that it takes up a lot of my thoughts and time.

But I'm thinking about the future.  One day Sam and Eva will join me for a bit of archery unlike now where it’s all about digging in the mud and repeatedly asking to look at the broody chicken.  We’ve got a broody chicken you see who lays one egg a day in the actual hen house we paid good money for rather than disappearing under the house or into the barn to lay eggs. Remember when I first started writing to you and I moaned that we only got one egg a day?  We still get one egg a day.

I feel kind of bad that I started it but the first time we got an egg from the chicken I pretended to store it in Sam’s hood.  Now when we get an egg Sam gestures for me to “store” it in his hood and he walks around carefully so as not to break it.  In reality I’ve still got the damn thing but he doesn’t know that.  One day he’ll catch on and it’ll be like finding out about Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy.  I’m thinking that maybe next time I’ll crush the egg in his hood and tell him off and ban him from carrying eggs in there ever again.  As punishment we won’t now be able to go over to Te Awamutu and see the amazing giant lizard that’s wrapped around a building.  Sure his tiny one and a half year old lip will quiver and fat tears will roll down his chubby cheeks as his big eyes plead for forgiveness but it’s all for the best in the long run, I'm sure you'll agree.

Take care of yourself,
Love Mark
xxx
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Do you know what, I really 


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